(photo via SFist)
Hey there Democrats.
Why so glum? How are things going? Not good? Depressed about healthcare reform? That’s too bad. Sorry to hear you lost your super-duper-jumbo majority. I hear the reconciliation process is a real bitch. Well Dems, I wish you’d turn that frown upside down. Chin up, Big D! Because I’m here to remind you things could be much, much worse.
As depressing as our politics seem right now, what with the tea parties and the filibusters and the socializms, imagine a world where healthcare reform is permanently tabled by an affair. Instead of dealing with the financial meltdown, picture the Capitol roiled by a sex scandal. Envisage a scenario where climate legislation is flushed down the toilet by a love child.
Remember 2007? Boy, what an ugly brawl that was. Remember the endless, vicious intraparty fight? Remember the arguments about experience vs. change? When the black guy with a terrorist-rhyming name was an insane risk, and only an artless yahoo would pit him against a popular war hero?
I do. I didn’t forget. Here’s a picture of the safe bet:
I really can’t blame you for Edwards. It’s too bad you couldn’t see him for the used-car salesman he was. You wouldn’t be the first Democrats to try and win the White House with a white Southerner. But MAN did you rubes pick the wrong pony. No more character judgments from you, Edwards supporters. Time to sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.
But the Clinton fangirls? You ladies are another story. You and I have a bone to pick. Everyone saw this train coming a decade away:
"Over the last few years, aides have winced at repeated tabloid reports about Clinton’s episodic friendship and occasional dinners out with Belinda Stronach, a twice-divorced billionaire auto-parts heiress and member of the Canadian Parliament 20 years his junior, or at more recent high-end Hollywood dinner-party gossip that Clinton has been seen visiting with the actress Gina Gershon in California. There has been talk of a female friend in Chappaqua, a woman in a bar at a meeting of the Aspen Institute … four former Clinton aides told me that, about 18 months ago, one of the president’s former assistants … had heard so many complaints about such reports from Clinton supporters around the country that he felt compelled to try to conduct what one of these aides called an “intervention,” because, the aide believed, ‘Clinton was apparently seeing a lot of women on the road.’"
Like you, I’m really enjoying Hilldawg at State. In a weird way, she’s become the repository for all my good feelings about the Obama candidacy. (I know, I can’t believe it either.) She’s truly blossomed in her new role. She may very well end up being one of the most significant Secretaries of State in the post-war period.
She’s still horrible at running a campaign. She insulated herself in a cocoon of incompetence. She exhibited poor decision-making skills in the heat of the primaries. It cost her the Presidency. But her time at Foggy Bottom has been near-flawless. I hate her stance on Af-pak, but that’s an honest beef among liberals. And us Obamaniacs must now eat our words on her ability to govern. So here’s me tipping my hat to the Clintonistas. Except:
"[Hillary’s] campaign to set up a ‘war room within a war room’ to establish whether he was having another one. They concluded that he was conducting a “sustained romantic relationship’."
They knew. And, frankly, so did most of us. The only ones who didn’t? Clinton primary voters. Y’all have some ‘splaining to do. It’s not unsubstantiated rumor, it’s a lifelong pattern. How a Democrat would willingly put that marriage front and center in the White House again is beyond me. It bespeaks either a profound arrogance or a naiveté — I can’t decide which. Fool me once, shame one you. Fool me twice — you can’t get fooled again.
"Hillary Clinton initially rejected the post of Secretary of State despite rare pleading by Mr Obama, citing her husband. as the reason.“You know I can’t control him,” she is paraphrased as saying. ‘At some point he’ll be a problem.’"
If former Clinton supporters are going to argue with a straight face that Bill Clinton hasn’t had an affair since Lewinsky, there’s nothing left to argue. If former Clinton supporters are going to argue with a straight face that any marital infidelity wouldn’t have come at great cost to our issues, I’ll be confiscating your Serious Person membership, too.
I don’t blame the Clintons and the Edwards’ for being human and deceitful and ambitious all at once. I blame you primary voters for not being able to tell. I blame you for being gullible naifs while insisting we Obamaniacs had acquired a taste for kool-aid. Consider this a molotov cocktail of I Told You So.
Thank god we wrested the party away from you.