Mike: Billy, welcome back to the airwaves. New Christmas single, cover of Love Is All Around.
Billy: Except we’ve changed the word “love” to “Christmas”.
Mike: Yes, is that an important message to you, Bill?
Billy: (Snorts) Not really, Mike. Christmas is a time for people with someone they love in their lives.
Mike: And that’s not you?
Billy: That’s not me, Michael. When I was young and successful, I was greedy and foolish and now I’m left with no one, wrinkled and alone.
Mike: Wow. Thanks for that, Bill.
Billy: For what?
Mike: For actually giving a real answer to a question. It doesn’t often happen here at Radio Watford, I can tell you.
Billy: Ask me anything, I’ll tell you the truth.
Mike: Best shag you ever had?
Billy: Britney Spears.
Billy: No, only kidding! (Snorts) She was rubbish.
Mike: OK, here’s one. How do you think the new record compares to your old, classic stuff?
Billy: Come on, Mikey, you know as well as I do the record’s crap. (Laughs) But wouldn’t it be great if number one this Christmas wasn’t some smug teenager but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price? Those young popsters come Christmas will be stretched out naked with a cute bird balancing on their balls and I’ll be stuck in some dingy flat with me manager Joe, ugliest man in the world, fucking miserable because our fucking gamble didn’t pay off. So if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record. And particularly enjoy the incredible crassness of the moment we try to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line.
Mike: I think you’re referring to:
“If you really love Christmas…”
“Come on and let it snow.”
Ouch. So, here it is one more time, the dark horse for this year’s Christmas number one, Christmas Is All Around. Thank you, Billy. After this, the news.