Final section: sex work. Okay I think I understand what they’re trying to do. This is supposed to be like sexy business woman Barbie, right? Chic urban New Yorker Barbie? This looks like Up to her Ears in Student Loans Dating a Man 25 Years Her Senior and Takes 5mg Xanax Bars to Zone Out Enough to Get Through Obligation Sex Barbie. That shit is dark. I sent this picture last night to a trusted colleague and he responded that he couldn’t get into this with me right now because he totally wants to fuck that doll. Exactly.
(via toxicmonkey)
Look what I just found in the trunk of my car! Ride home over the Bay Bridge is gonna be AWESOME.
You don’t have a cassette player in your car? Sucks to be YOU, Mr. Living In The 21st Century. Well, if you need, I can record a live play-by-play of the AWESOMENESS and post that later. Because that will not in any way be excruciating.
In other news, I bet Poison features at least two guys who support thongs-as-scrunchies. Y’know?
YES. That cassette holds a special place in my heart. In 4th grade we’d show the cover to other, less pop-culturally aware boys and ask, “Which of these chicks would you rather have sex with?”
After they’d made their choice, you’d say “They’re all men.” Then their face would sour, having fell for the elementary school version of The Crying Game. And you’d laugh and call them homos and gaylords and butt-pirates. It was Catholic school, so heteronormative shaming techniques were not only allowed, but actively encouraged.
PS. The answer was always Rockett, lower right corner. Good times.
Fucking hell. What was this called?
ohmyfucinggod i remember this! but i can’t think of the name either! what is was the name of this show? a high five to whoever can help!
The Gummi Bears was the forerunner to all those Disney afternoon shows like DuckTales, Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers and TaleSpin.But I remember them as shocking proselytizers for the drug-addled lifestyle. The Gummi Bears, if you remember, were ordinary run-of-the-mill cartoon bears (à la Yogi or Baloo) until they drank their illicit Gummiberry Juice—which gave them supernatural strength and an infectious sense of bravado. (Sound familiar?) Every single adventure centered around those bears hitting the sauce. And if they ran out? CRISIS.
I watched every episode as a little kid and I’m telling you, the answer was always Gummiberry juice and only Gummiberry juice. They were simply incapable of solving problems until they scored their magical hooch. Once they did, though glassy-eyed and slack-jawed, they were fucking invincible.
It’s hard to nail down what Gummiberry juice was, precisely. Grammi Gummi whipped up the wine-colored brew in a pot. Other times, it couldn’t be more obvious Zummi Gummi was breaking bad because he clearly ran a meth lab. Perhaps the Gummi Bears were trashcan junkies with Gummiberry juice merely being their drug of choice. When they retired to their “underground network” of caves and tunnels it was never clear if this was an allusion to 20s-era Prohibition or late-90s rave culture.
Either way, it’s exactly what you want your impressionable young kid watching between public service announcements from the D.A.R.E. and “Just Say No” ad campaigns.
This reminds me of this one time in high school when my mom found two empty 40s of Old E stashed in my closet. I’m not sure exactly why I had hidden them there, but I do remember they’d been in there for months and I had forgotten all about them.
Anyways, I come home from school and walk into my room to find the two bottles sitting on my bed with a hand-written note from my mom that said, “Kate, if you’re going to drink, don’t drink this shit. Love, Mom.”
Best. EVER.
I ride the bus a lot, and spend a lot of time in public spaces. You ever see the abusive parent? Hitting their children, humiliating them, hurling profanities?
And you think to yourself, that child doesn’t stand a chance. Even if the kid has the potential to be well-adjusted, there’s no way they’ll survive a childhood with that parent.
These notes are like the opposite of that dynamic.
I am lord of all that I survey …
