Google Chrome is totally down with your porn, btw.
How San Francisco Ruined Itself
November 3rd, 1999:
This may be the most unlivable city in America, but too many of its residents are lost in such a haze of self-righteous entitlement and aggrieved internecine warfare that they don’t even seem to know it. And the things that are wrong with San Francisco were so many years, so many decades, in the making, that it’s absurd to think the Internet had anything to do with it.
How The Internet Ruined San Francisco
October 28th, 1999:
What the Internet has done to San Francisco: given it the devil-or-the-deep-blue-sea choice of becoming either Carmel (its architectural heritage and physical beauty preserved like a dollhouse for the exclusive use of the touristic or the rich) or Hong Kong (economic development above all) or most likely, some hellish convergence of the twain. Or maybe, more accurately, it’s becoming the place that seems to be the techno-libertarian idea of the good polis: Singapore with better movies. Business couldn’t be better. And real soon now, there will be nothing troubling on the streets, nothing at all.
The Atlantic just posted this photo from a Facebook intern, Paul Butler, who depicted the interrelationships of Facebook “friends” on a projection of the globe. You owe it to yourself to click on the high resolution picture. Again, it neatly reveals the patterns of wealth and technology and even the availability of electricity that shape so much of the world today. Amazing.
Previously At Tumblr HQ.
- This meeting is now in session. Wait, where’s Chris?
- I’m here, sorry, I was taping a picture of tubgirl to our intern Annie’s monitor.
- Goddamnit
- Okay, this meeting is now in session.
- Where did David get that gavel?
- It’s a replica of Judge Judy’s
- No.
- Totes ironic.
- Can somebody tell me why I can’t upload this picture of me eating salad to my blog?
- God, Meaghan, you don’t even go here anymore.
- Too insidery.
- Too inside-HER-y. BOOM!
- Nice.
- Gross.
- I’ve called you all here to reveal the true reason as to why our servers keep crashing.
- Is it because you employ a team of inept programmers who don’t know how to scale?
- Alice, why are you here?
- Someone told me there was Franzia.
- Well, there isn’t, so if you wouldn’t mind?
- Whatever, fucking hipsters.
- I don’t want to alarm you all, but the real reason our servers keep crashing is-
- FIRST!
- Peter! This is not CollegeHumor!
- It isn’t? What’s with the Lodwick statue in your office then?
- I don’t wanna talk about it. The real reason-
- It’s aliens, isn’t it?
- More like Alien: Resurrection! Joss Whedon, homeboy!
- Don’t say that, he denounced the movie.
- What? No.
- Yeah, he said they poorly executed his vision, kinda like with the original Buffy movie I guess.
- Man, I hate that we live in a world not enlightened enough to realise his flawless brilliance.
- Word.
- Alright, fuck it, I’m just gonna come out and say it. The real-
- Ah shit, I spilled my PBR.
- REASON TUMBLR KEEPS CRASHING IS ZOOEY DESCHANEL.
- Huh?
- What?
- Somebody get me to a Photoshop.
- Open the video link with our Board of Directors.
- Why are we looking at a picture of a Gumby doll and the Mario Bros?
- Shhh Annie, who do you think runs this place?
- Peons, I’m afraid it’s true, her joining overloaded our entire network. Twitter was warned ahead of time so they had a chance to install buffers to prevent the virulent strain of twee infecting all of their hardware, we weren’t so lucky.
- So… what does this mean?
- Just hope to god she never posts again. Which, with all the servers down, hopefully she won’t be able to.
- Nope, she just updated. Oh god.
- What is it?
- It’s just a picture… a picture of her eyes…
- I can’t stop looking at it.
- What’s happening? I can smell smoke.
- The office is on fire!
- The evil of our obsession has brought us to our end! Our ambitions have unmade us!
- Oh, no, never mind. Found the problem, the power outlet’s broken from when we tried hiding Diller’s keys in there. All we have to do is put the cable in another outlet.
- So we’re back?
- Yep.
- Alright, back to work everyone! Remember our priority for the week, Christmas themed avatars. Oh and I bought you all Ferraris so we can pretend to be the guys from Entourage after work.
- We love you David.
- Aww, I love you guys too.
OMG where have you been all these years?
Am I the only one bothered by this headline?
San Francisco Chronicle, I feel like your online editors need a visit from Captain Obvious.
Rated Awesome’s Parody of “The Social Network”…about Twitter.
“…Because normal blogging is tedious and dumb…and leads to fully-formed ideas.”
